Adaptation

I wrote a while ago about how real friends don’t try to feed me anymore, even my family is starting to come around to the idea. I went to lunch this weekend with my father and my cousin and there was nothing I could eat or drink on the menu. (The restaurant was out of both San Pellegrino and Perrier) I ordered water and joked with the waiter about severe food allergies and trying to avoid drama. All in all, I had a great lunchtime chatting with them and no one felt compelled to make a fuss about my not eating. I had planned only to have something to drink, so food wasn’t really an issue for me. In hindsight, I could have ordered a side salad just to have something to play with but it just didn’t seem necessary.

Real friends are also willing to adapt their daily routine for a few days to keep me healthy when they visit. A wonderful friend from my undergrad days is coming in from the west coast and I’m on his list of people to see. I need to send him a reminder email about the adaptations necessary so that we can be in a car together and hang out for long periods of time without my reacting to corn carried on his clothes (scented laundry detergent or any dryer sheets) or on his skin or hair. Pretty tough order. I have no idea where we are going, but at least a few hours in the car is a good bet and being stuck with someone corn-taminated is a bad drive and I’ll be sick and cranky when we reach our destination.

Fortunately, we’ve been friends for ages, been through crazy adventures on several continents and he’s done more than his share to keep me sane through all of this allergy upheaval so he understands the changes I’ve made in my life to be safe and healthy. Because of this, my list of requirements is not so onerous to him, Or it could just be an Army flashback that lets him accept my seemingly absurd orders. Without the adaptation on his part, I’d just be full of Benadryl and groggy the whole time he is here. This is "Uncle Ted", he's a true blue friend and would have stuck with me if this allergy had given me a second head or turned me green, rather than just requiring these annoying adaptation.

Last time I saw him was when came to visit in Colorado. I think he was my first fully adapted visitor, since my house is my safe zone having someone else stay requires precautions. If I remember correctly after he got in from the airport he took a shower to get rid of the smell from the regular products he uses and just used my stuff for the rest of the visit, with the “welcome gifts” of his own personal fragrance free deodorant and shaving cream. I’m starting to sound like a hothouse flower, but it’s really not that hard. I’d prefer not to be allergic to people.

How to prep for a visit to a severely corn allergic friend:
~Wash your clothes in a fragrance free detergent (All Free and Clear is easy to find)
~DO NOT use dryer sheets – they all have cornstarch in them.
~Switch to fragrance free products for the time you are spending together, go corn free if you are feeling really kind) shampoos, soap, deodorant, moisturizers and shaving creams. (If you are visiting me, please feel free to use my stuff. It will save you shopping time and make me happy.)
~If you are serious about doing your coiffure, find fragrance free hair goop, preferably in a gel. Do not spray anything around your corn allergic friend! Wash your hands thoroughly after applying it and make sure to wash up any spills. This stuff is poison. Just the idea of having it in my house creeps me out. Make sure to take some time to off gas before getting around your friend.

Here's the basics on the corn free stuff:

• Corn free shampoo & conditioner: ShiKai Natural Everyday Shampoo & Conditioner (no other type of Shikai is corn free)
  
• Corn free soap – Kiss My Face Olive Oil – check to make sure it is fragrance free! There is only the pure olive oil soap is fragrance free.
• Almay Clear Gel, Fragrance Free seems to be corn free, it is used by several people on the corn allergy board with no reaction
• Fragrance free shaving cream – Kiss My Face makes a sensitive skin version that is fragrance free, I don’t know about corn content. If you can shave with soap, use the Kiss My Face Olive Oil soap. If you can shave with oil, use organic olive oil
• Moisturizer – anything fragrance free is okay, since they all contain some corn. I use organic olive oil (no, it doesn’t smell like a salad)

When I last visited Ted and his fiancée, in California, they both adapted without a second thought – stopped using their perfumes and colognes and other little things to keep me safe. They made a safe bedroom for me to sleep in too. Since it was sunny California, we were able to hit the Pacific Coast Highway in CA style; top down and sea breezes make any car a safe zone. It was never a problem for them to make it safe for me, probably the most relaxing vacation I’ve had in years.

I don’t have an issue asking this visitor to follow my regimen. I know he is as practical as I am -- do this and we can go have fun, don’t do it and watch me sleep off the Benadryl. Not a hard choice to make. Still, it is much more difficult to ask this of someone that hasn’t been with me through the allergy discovery process. I worry that I sound crazy because corn really is in everything.

I’ve recently reconnected with a group of friends in the city that I haven’t seen since the onset of my food allergy. I’ve been invited to visit a few times, but I yet to work out how to make this safe. It’s not that they would not try to adapt, but there is SO much out there that is normal that is no longer on my radar that I seriously have to think through my request on how to make a safe space. Go fragrance free, no air fresheners, please don’t clean (no chemicals), let me bring my own food and sheets without being offended. It's really not that bad, I'm an easy guest -- need to prepare anything for me or even clean with anything other than water!

I’m adapting. Things that once were important or irresistible have fallen away. Food has gone from being a delight to being an enemy and finally is just something to be approached with caution. I’d like to think that one day I’ll wake up and be all better. Who knows, maybe I’ll also wake up and be a princess (Grace would like that). I’m not holding my breath for either. I’m learning, adapting, taking notes when I misstep and making sure I’m smarter for the future. What has made the process bearable are the friends who are adapting with me: my Lakota brother who will happily tell me that I’m a freak of nature but it’s okay because I’m family and his amazing wife who makes me corn-free fry bread; the August bride who wants detailed information to give the caterers so I will be safe at the reception; a long lost friend, who after hearing a little about my food restrictions, immediately started brainstorming how to solve my protein supply issues; 4-year-old Grace who guards me by announcing my allergy to the world; the fabulous Ms. M. who stops in the store to text me whenever she finds something safe; and Drew who saves the organic chives just for me.

Adaptation, the test of true friendship.

Real friends don't try to feed me

I am a bad guest, in that you can't offer common hospitality to me, in terms of food and drink, when I come to visit. A corn allergy means the set of things that are safe for me is small and I would rather be able to spend time with you than to eat something that might make me sick just to be polite. If you love me, or even just kind of like me and want to avoid drama at your house, you won't try to feed me. Of course, if you secretly hate me or really want to use the Epi-pen, then feeding me is a good idea.

I'm a good guest, in that I come prepared. Even if I am just going to a neighbors, there is usually a snack and a drink in my bag so that I don't try something new out of hunger. I usually carry healthy, organic snacks, and I share.

I've been thinking about this because Grace had her birthday party this weekend and A. and I went to help wrangle the hordes of kidos dressed up as princesses and super heroes. All in all it was a very successful kid fantasy of a birthday party, with a princess cake, castle piñata and lots happy kids. I realized after the party, not once did anyone offer me a piece of corn-syrup filled cake, ice-cream or candy, despite the fact that all the kids and their parents were munching away. Not once did I have to stop and say, "No, Thank you I'm Allergic." I was just another grown-up doing my grown-up duty of encouraging tulle-clad princesses around the room to the next game. My real friends don't try to feed me anymore, they've learned that almost everything 'normal' has corn in it.

Real friends:

1. Don't try to feed me
   
2. Do wipe down their children after they eat
   
3. Do keep the obvious allergens "secured" when I am at their house
4. Do ask before they cook or spray anything around me
   
5. Do let me bring the ingredients if they really want to cook something for me and let me help (Thanks for the Fry Bread H & M, I'm still dreaming about it)
6. Do invite me over for lunch or dinner and let me bring my food -- I want to go out, I just need to bring something safe
   
7. Don't eat ALL of my special food, but do try it
   
8. Don't use air fresheners or smelly candles when I are coming over
9. Don't bother to offer me thing they know I am allergic to, even when everyone else is eating them
10. Know how to use an Epi-pen and where I keep my emergency medicines.
    

Real friends just deal with the fact that this is my "thing." Everyone has a thing, mine has to do with food and not dying over lunch. Some people enjoy drama, I try to avoid it. My real friends get it.

Welcome to the Club / The Rules

I've gone for years without meeting, in person, anyone else with a corn allergy. In the past 3 months, a good friend of a good friend was diagnosed with a corn allergy, I met a woman a Whole Foods who was having a hard time the pastry counter try to find something corn free -- who was just diagnosed with a corn allergy, two weeks ago I met a waitress at the 1 restaurant I trust who was just diagnosed with a corn allergy, today I read at Everyday with Food Allergies that her friend's child was just diagnosed with a corn allergy too.

Welcome to the club everyone.

I'll teach you the secret handshake later, the first thing you need to know, everything has corn in until proven otherwise. Your allergist probably doesn't know this, because it is not a common diagnosis in the US and the list of things you need to avoid has the obvious things like popcorn and corn chips. What you may need to avoid is actually a much more complex list, depending on the severity of your allergy;there is a lot of hidden corn in foods & drugs that most allergists are not aware of unless they have corn allergic patients. The links you need are here: http://www.cornallergic.org/links. This is going to seem like a lot of info, but remember you will feel better as you eliminate hidden corn from your diet. Talk to doctor and go back to her/him with your info.

If this really was a club, our top secret handbook would start with these rules:

1. If you don't know what's in it, don't put it in your mouth.
2. When in doubt, spit it out.
   
3. Say it loud and proud, "No, Thank You. I'm Allergic."
   
4. Test new foods like they could be poisonous.
   
5. Trust no one with your food, till YOU are comfortable they understand the consequences.
6. Emergency Meds -- Don't leave home without them EVER.
7. Have a safe place for your food - Make some space, be it your home or your room and a kitchen cupboard and a shelf in the fridge, an allergy free zone.
   
8. If it goes in you, on you, or you touch it or breath it in, it must be allergen free. Check everything - food, drinks, medications, toiletries, cosmetics, cleaning products. You are not paranoid, you are smart and safe.
9. Don't Panic -- staying calm during a reaction keeps you safe and helps minimize the reaction.
10. Get a medical alert bracelet-- wear it (There are options for every style).

Welcome to the club. Keep talking about your allergy, I want to meet you!